Glass case of emotion

1 minute

(cont’d from this post)

The emotion that I do have about my trip is anxiety. A lot of the preparation I do – especially making lists – is about managing my anxiety. I am not a fan of surprises and find that proper planning means that I won’t be surprised. Mostly.

For example, for years, when in Singapore for work, I was put up at the same hotel. After 10+ years, that was changed. So when I had to stay in this new hotel, I went online to find pictures of the hotel, the rooms, surroundings, and anything that would help me to be familiar with it. That helps me to deal with my anxiety.

Now, I have come to feel that this type of behaviour has contributed to my ‘softness’. And after the blow  two and a half years ago which sent me down for a count, it was easy to hide behind the situation to get ‘softer’. What I mean by ‘soft’ is a sort of lack of resilience that to me is visually like being marshmallowy and wrapped in cotton wool. A big part of my self-image is about being resilient. But the resilience took a serious dent from which it has taken a while to recover.

And the time is now.

For my trip to Cochin, I have not done the things I would normally do to manage my anxiety. I have tried to keep a lid on things — list making and channeling that energy into other task has been a great way to do it.

So I am looking to embrace my anxiety, and channel its energy into building back my resilience.