Whats harder got to do with it?

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The last post meandered from what I was planning to write about, so lets give it one more go.

“Its harder than I thought but not so hard that I cannot do it”

Loneliness, and Boredom. That were the two things my mum told me that would get to me. And I am pretty sure I scoffed. Because that the kind of person I am — I scoff and pooh-pooh. I have even been know to pooh-pooh a pooh-pooh.

My new friend (K – more about him next time) says its the boredom that he struggles with. He says that there is only that much TV and internet before boredom strikes, so he chats up people and makes friends with everyone. But I don’t feel lonely. So far I am feeling very connected to all of you — Facebook, WhatsApp, Skype, and what not. I am pretty used to having multiple conversations, local and overseas, through various platforms, that being away physically from everyone is not that bad.

In terms of boredom, thats something I can never understand. There are so many options to key oneself entertained these days, that the notion of boredom should be extinct. Between Netflix, my Kindle, and having naps, I have too much to do to be bored.

What gets to me is perhaps best described at a loss of agency – a loss of freedom. Given much of the day is prescribed, and there are limited options to actually make choices, the lack of agency makes me feel frustrated. Its like when I was in Basic Military Training — the thing that affected me the most was not even being able to take a drink of water without getting permission. Every minute of the day was mapped and measured, under the watchful eyes of sergeants waiting for an infraction so that they could punish you, and often your platoon mates as well. I found that whole experience extremely hard to deal with. I am used to being able to have autonomy and do whatever I want whenever I want.

While the Ayurvedic retreat is no way comparable to the army, the loss of agency is something I struggle with. I have so many habits burned in, that not being able to do what I want is causing me to get frustrated.

And yet, that’s exactly the reason I came here for.

(to be cont’d)